Some things to know in order to survive a zombie apocalypse

Just to warn you this is a really long, but amusing, post!



Zombies are the undead humans that are only after one thing...to eat you. It's not out of necessity, it's just out of a primal instinct we have to fill the void that is hunger. These are some things you should know in order to survive a zombie uprising. Your own survival is necessary because these beings cannot be stopped. The human race is depending on you!

It is now 2011 and there are some things you should know before getting too comfortable with the new year! ZOMBIES!!!

Now some of you may not believe that zombies will take over and that's ok. But if it does happen...I will survive a zombie apocalypse! Here is why. I will be prepared. Yes I know that I sound like some sort of boy scout...well I was, but that's beside the point. I know its silly and fictional but I would like to be ready none the less. I am not saying that I am one of those nutty people who think the end is near or anything. I just like to amuse myself in the possibility of a zombie invasion. So anyhoo...

-First off is COMMON FRICKIN SENSE
Now zombies don't have much brain activity going on up there, so reasoning with them is out of the question. Now I know some people might try, well let me just tell you right now...you are a dumbass! No really...you are! It's like trying to reason with a shark. Do you really think that a zombie(or a shark) is not interested in negotiating? No! Use your brain!

Now you must pay attention to your surroundings. Going somewhere alone...is just not a good idea. Traveling in groups is a fine idea, just don't have too big of a group or you might just end up being a buffet!

Places with one entrance/exit can be ok. However, keep this in mind, if you're surrounded by zombies, just how in the hell do you plan on getting away? Sure you have them at a choke-point and they can only come at you from one direction, but just how do you plan to kill a million or more in one sitting? Yea...not too sensible unless you are Chuck Norris.

Yes, these zombies you come across might be your friends or family that you once loved, but keep in mind that they are no longer that same person anymore. Don't allow your feelings of who they once were to get in the way of your better judgement! Whether it be a child or your grandma, do not let this stop you from putting him/her down!



If you have seen the movie Zombieland, there are some useful tips on there. Use those tips as necessary. They may save your life!



I can't say for sure which is better. Traveling at night or during the day. I would think daytime travel would be the most preferred. Because yes, the zombies can see you...but guess what? You can see THEM too! Zombies do not have night vision, but they do follow their most primal senses. So beware! If you try to travel at night you need light(or if you have night vision goggles...than good for you for being so wise and prepared), zombies are attracted to light among other things, so they will most likely come after you while you have your light glowing. Not good!

-Next is knowing your enemy
As I have stated earlier, zombies aren't too bright! They do have a few things on their side. For starters, they have numbers. Yes a zombie by itself is not nearly the most dangerous thing in the world. There are much more lethal things you can come across like a velociraptor with a jet pack and scissors. Which is in fact the deadliest thing on earth!



Uhh! I am getting off topic here so nevermind. You can fight or flee(whatever you prefer) rather easily when up against a pack of zombies. Know this, one zombie can turn many other people into zombies. So keep your distance, unless you want to be apart of the brain-devouring lot!

Zombies do not fear you. You are a walking Happy Meal to them. Who would be afraid of that? They also are undead, so they cannot feel pain, pity, remorse, or love. Keep that in mind when you are faced with a hoard of flesh eaters. If you find that you're out numbered and have no way to defend yourself, your best option is to run! Hiding can be fine, but do remember YOU can die of thirst and starvation...they can't!

Now I know there are a lot of myths about zombies and I am not going to get into too much detail, because well...I just don't know what to expect for sure.

One myth is zombies are slow moving. Well this may be true but don't overlook the fact that they may be fast-moving-zombies. They may eventually slow down after they've been dead a while but do beware of the fast movers.

Another, is that not only can their bite turn you into the undead, but so can a scratch or saliva on your skin. Is this true? I can't say for sure. Don't take any chances until you know. Dressing up in a full leather outfit with a motorcycle helmet may not be a bad idea. Sure, you will be sweaty and your movement might be limited, but hey...how do you know that the scratch or saliva myth is false? Leather is something that retains your own body sweat so it will prevent zombie bodily fluids from getting on your naked skin. Leather also is something that a human mouth can not bite through. Sooo...keep that in mind!

One thing that is almost certain is that to kill a zombie you have to shoot it in the head or in some way damage the brain. Whether a shot to the brain, bludgeoning the zombie in the head, or beheading entirely, it's purely up to you how you want to kill the zombie. Which brings me to my next topic.

-Weapons
Now, you can have a variety of useful weapons in your fight against the army of the undead. I know there are some places (and some people as well), that are against guns or do not have access to such firepower. If you live in such a place...you are somewhat fucked! However, you do have useful tools that can be made into weapons. As you might be ever so worried, fear not! These items do not jam or run out of ammunition, so your destruction of the zombie nation might not be foiled. You just might be more inconvienced as you have to get a bit closer than you would like to to kill the zombie. So I will start with these such items or weapons!
1)A baseball bat. Crude...yes, but effective!
2)A crowbar. It won't break and you can smash or jab the hooked end into your zombie foe.
3)A pitchfork. Well unless you live on a farm or are near a hardware store(which btw has many other makeshift weapons available) availability may be limited.
4)A claw hammer. Same reasoning as the crowbar.
5)A machete. Very useful for beheadings.
6)Any kind of fixed-handled knife is useful. Just make sure you know what you are doing with that knife, so you don't end up a snack!
7)Whatever kind of extended handled yardwork device is a plus.
8)A car. Just make sure that you don't slow down enough for them to break through the windows. A tank would be better, but in reality a tank is less likely to be available.

Now these are some things you don't want to use unless you have to.
1)First and foremost, fire or any kind of flame throwing device, such as a gasoline pump and a zippo, is a BAD IDEA! Zombies don't feel pain! So they will still come after you, but now they are on fire too! Not helpful! Imagine being in a building with a zombie on fire...not a happy thought huh? Everything they touch would most likely catch on fire and there you are trapped...in a fire! Not too smart!
2)Any kind of object that makes noise(unless its a gun). For example, a bullhorn or a foghorn, would be useful if you are trying to BRING the zombie population toward you. Chances are that this is not your intention, unless your plan is like mine(this is a private story that those who know me, have heard about). Everybody knows that zombies are attracted to bright flashes, bright colors, and loud noises.
3)A flare gun. Really? Who the hell would use this to kill a zombie?
4)Glass bottles. Sure you might be able to harm or even kill a zombie, but then again you might accidentally cut yourself too! This would make you a target, for not only the bodily fluids of the zombie you just maimed, but also for any other nearby zombies who smell the blood(think of sharks)!
5)Spraying a fire extinguisher at a zombie. This is about as effective as a wet noodle. Just use the damn thing to bash its head in already!
6)Anything that is just too heavy for you to wield is a bad idea entirely. Sure you might get one or two, but what happens when you are too tired from weaving this heavy object at a zombie? Plus, you will certainly have to do some running. Do you really want to weigh yourself down with an object that you might only get to use once?
7)Poison of any kind. Honestly, do you really think that this would work on something that is undead?

Now GUNS, they are rather useful in a zombie take over. Now I know some of you may be thinking, "gosh this guy is some kind of crazy redneck with guns"! No! I am not a redneck...I just like guns and trucks.

If you are opposed to using a gun or afraid of them...that won't last long. Why? Because well if you're afraid of a gun...zombies are scarier, so you'll get over that fear pretty damn quick or end up dead anyway. If you just don't like guns because you're an asshole, well then you either 1. get over yourself and pick up a firearm or 2. get killed by the hoard of flesh eating zombies because you were too self absorbed to use your head to think with instead of using it as a hat rack!

1)Shotgun. This is probably the single most useful gun in the fight against the zombie hoard. Why? Because, most likely you have pellet shells that spread, thus taking out multiple zombies with one shot. Less ammo you have to use! Brilliant! Also, a shotgun is relatively east to use. There are many different kinds of shotguns, the preferred is a pump action 12 gauge. This is the most common type and so you can find ammunition rather easily. There are the over and under double barrel, side to side double barrel, single shot, semi-automatic, pump action, or(if you can find one) automatic shotguns. Shotguns also have various gauge types, so make sure you have the right ammunition for your shotgun. It really doesn't matter what kind of shotgun you use...just have one!







2)A revolver. I personally prefer pistols that are magazine fed but a revolver is a preferred weapon against zombies. Why? Because with any magazine fed gun you have to reload the magazine. Unlike on movies, you DO have a limited number of shots in you gun! Stopping to reload a magazine is a chore and time consuming(which you may not have much of), so unless you are carry 20 fully loaded magazines with you at any old time, you might want to have a gun that is easily reloadable and you can just carry the spare bullets with you. The unfortunate part of a revolver is that there ARE a limited number of shots you have, so make em count!



3)Pistol of any kind are fine. Magazine fed pistols are great but just make sure you have spare magazine with you that you can reload and for Gods sake don't just drop the clip on the ground and leave it(unless you have to)! It's not the movies and you do not have an unlimited amount of those either. A pistol only successfully works with a magazine. If you don't have a magazine in your pistol, than guess what? You have a gun that only carries and fires one shot at a time! That sucks!

Whether it's a .45 caliber


A 9mm pistol


Or Gary's personal favorite the Glock .40 caliber


Pistols are almost a neccessity for the zombie apocalypse. They are small, easily carried, powerful weapons! Sometimes you need a gun that is meant for close quarters and that's what a pistol is made for.

4)Automatic rifles and machine pistols. Sure they can be helpful, by means that they don't need to be rechambered to fire a single shot and you can spray and pray! They also have a lot of ammunition that can be fired in a sitting. Do beware that the magazines do need to be reloaded! Like I said...not a movie!





5)A drum-fed semi-automatic shotgun. What? Yes...that's what you heard all right! If you can get a hold of one of these babies...you're mostly in the clear. With this ingenious firearm, you are a one man(or woman) zombie killing machine! Just be sure to keep a couple of fully loaded drums with you! As the drums do hold a metric shit-ton of ammo, you do have to reload eventually!


Say hello to my little friend...you zombie bastards!

Any gun will do...but just make sure you know what you are doing, have a supply of readily available ammunition, and have lots of guns with you just to be on the safe side. If you don't have a lot of ammunition, don't worry...you may come across some on the way. Just make sure you are not carrying some kind of specialty gun that requires a specific kind of ammo or you might just find yourself up a creek without a paddle!

-A plan
Now you might just be the type who likes to wing it by the seat of his/her pants. That can be fine and dandy. But a plan is most useful.

A place to fortify is very helpful but make sure you have provisions. You don't want to try waiting them out...they'll last longer! I am not saying build yourself a compound or anything(like some people I know). I am just saying that you should have a place that you can rest and protect yourself.

A compound might be fun and useful. I mean you can stay there for days, weeks, months, years and not be harmed. You can also be a place of refuge for fellow survivors. I personally plan to fortify the shit out of a walmart that is nearby. Why? Because a walmart has weapons, food, water, other provisions, back-up generators, and can easily be used as a stronghold to gather your strength before you take on the zombies. I think that walmarts were built around the world for just this purpose. Why else would there be so many?

An armored RV would be grand, but lets face it...who the hell has the money to do that? I wish I did. I would be set. I could freely move about without the risk of being lunch.



A helicopter! Yes this would be the preferred way to travel. Why? Because unless you are some kind of mutant, humans can't fly...so neither can zombies. Yes, you will have to land at some point and also have to refuel, but what better than to soar the sky above the madness below!



Now here is something to think about. Zombies are dead...or undead! So you need to steer clear of large cities altogether. Yes there are provisions in them, but there are also the masses of zombies that can rip you apart.

The best bet...go North, where it snows and can get to freezing temperatures. Yes, it will be rather uncomfortable in the cold but you are smarter than a zombie. KEEP YOURSELF WARM. They do not think like that. Zombies won't necessarily freeze to death, but it is a sure way to slow them down making them easier for you to dispose of. They may also freeze in ice and therefore, are trapped. You may be safest this way...for a little while anyways!

I have heard that isolated islands are a good place to take refuge. Sure that can be good but what happens when the zombies get hungry enough to walk along the bottom of the water. It's not like they'll drown! Then what? You are stuck on an island with zombies coming at you from all directions. The only plus side is that, being a moving rotting corpse, they are fair game to be eaten by creatures that live in the water like the many kinds of fish, crabs, or even sharks. But don't bet your life on it!

The only other worry for me, is that if humans are not the only ones infected such as animals, birds, or insects. Than we are all doomed! Just how will anyone survive that? I just don't know. Let us not dwell on that. Most things that infect humans do not infect animals...so that's a plus! Just take caution around other forms of life!

Well I don't know about you but I am, for the most part, ready. Bring em on!
Thank you for reading. Keep in mind, that this was written for my own personal amusement. However, you just never know! So happy hunting!